Breaking Money Silence by Kathleen Kingsbury

Author:Kathleen Kingsbury
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: ABC-CLIO
Published: 2017-08-28T04:00:00+00:00

My Way Mentality

As singer Frank Sinatra crooned in his famous 1969 anthem of independence and empowerment, “I did it my way.” However, when you are talking about money, always doing it your way is problematic. It doesn’t allow for an open dialogue with the other person and it is a barrier to curiosity. Yes, your partner can wonder about why you do what you do financially, but if you take a “my way or the highway” approach, then you fail to wonder and learn about his or her experience. It is a missed opportunity to connect and grow together.

It is not unusual for a couple to have one partner with a “my way” mentality and the other with a “you know better” mentality. While these two attitudes can work together, the partners’ lack of curiosity may block them from truly knowing each other and their respective money mindsets and history. While this dynamic is more common in couples in their late 60s, 70s, and 80s, it can occur in partnerships between younger people.

This dynamic worked for Walter and Toni most of their lives. Walter, the primary breadwinner of the family, made all the financial and investment decisions and very much lived with a “my way mentality.” Toni worked part-time most of their marriage, and was fine deferring to Walter when it came to money matters. She enjoyed not having to “waste time meeting with their advisor” and relished her “you know better” mindset. However, when Walter announced he planned to retire in a year and move to Florida so he could play golf daily, Toni refused to follow him. She wanted to stay in their current home where she was an active member of the local community. Walter was shocked that Toni didn’t agree with his plan; she had never disagreed with one of his financial decisions. Instead of getting curious as to why, he became more entrenched in his “my way mentality.” Eventually, Walter moved to Florida and Toni stayed in their original home most of the year. Unfortunately, this couple did not know how to engage in a healthy money conversation and collaborate on finding solutions that worked for both of them. So they lived apart most of the year.

If you identify with this dynamic, I challenge you to switch places with your partner for one conversation. See what it feels like to make all the decisions, or experience what comes with relinquishing control. At the end of this experiment you may decide to meet in the middle, or keep things status quo. Either way, you have at least wondered what your partner’s role in your financial relationship feels like and you have opened the door to wondering why you prefer your role as it currently stands.

It is impossible to be curious and open-minded all the time. Therefore, you may see yourself in one or more of these mindsets. Don’t fret. There is a time and place for everything. There are times when you need to be an expert, or you need to exert or relinquish control.

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